


No Regrets

by Levefre



Category: Half-Life
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, M/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-14
Updated: 2020-07-14
Packaged: 2021-03-05 03:08:48
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,500
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25267387
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Levefre/pseuds/Levefre
Summary: When Gordon becomes more distant than usual, Barney can't shake the feeling that something is wrong. What he doesn't realise is how serious it is. Can he fix it?This started as a little bit of fun and wanting a break from my main writing project, but still in the same vein. As much as I originally planned to add this to the main story, I decided against it - mostly because it had no place to fit. However it still has a slight relation to Chapter 2, which the keen eyed may notice. This isn't canon, even if I am a huge Freehouln fan.
Relationships: Barney Calhoun/Gordon Freeman
Comments: 3
Kudos: 38





	No Regrets

Barney couldn’t shake off his unease. He hadn’t seen Gordon in a couple of days now. Whilst that wasn’t unusual, they always made some sort of effort to bump into one another for a chat, however short.

He wasn’t normally the worrying type, but the nagging voice in the back of his head just wouldn’t shut up until he knew what was going on. All throughout his shift he’d been distracted, inadvertently pissing off Dr. Banner when he asked him for some backup with some dumb argument he had with one of his colleagues. Perhaps ‘I don’t really care right now’ wasn’t the best thing to say at the time.

His relationship with the lab coats was strenuous at best. Some were the most stuck up bastards he’d ever met, some were so absorbed in their work they never said anything and others were just nuts. If it hadn’t been for Gordon and Dr. Kleiner, chances are he would have asked for a transfer long ago.

Now he found himself in the Level 3 Dormitories and outside Gordon’s room after some investigation and asking around. The joy of being a security guard was that no one really questioned you when you asked for something. Unless you were an asshat, like Dr. Magnusson.

He hadn’t quite figured out what to do from here. Would Gordon even want visitors? Was he asleep? He’d been staring at the door for a good few minutes.

_Just knock, you dolt._

Sighing, he knocked three times.

“Gordon? You in there? Hello?”

There was no answer. Barney huffed.

He glanced back down the corridor where he’d come from, weighing up his options, then eyed the door lock. He dug around in a pouch on his vest and pulled out his security override card. Oh how he could get into so much trouble for this.

Whistling innocently, he swiped the card into the reader and the door slid open. He let himself in. The sound of the shower running came from the bathroom; no wonder he didn’t respond.

The dormitory rooms were fairly basic and very similar to look at. Unlike the portable cabin he lived in on topside Area 8, which had a window overlooking the expanse of the mesa, the rooms were underground with no way to see the outside world. Barney thought it was depressing and probably the reason why so many of the scientists were miserable bastards.

Unsurprisingly, Gordon’s room had the same dark carpet, ugly green bed cover and a wooden panel wall with concrete ceiling. Who even decided on the decor for this place, anyway?

The scientist had done his best to make the most of what he got, however, decorating it with his own possessions to make it a home. Barney got the impression that he had a decent upbringing with his extensive collection of books, nice clothes and graduating from somewhere prestigious like MIT. In comparison, he was an undecided major and breezed through life with no real direction, until Black Mesa anyway.

Getting distracted and nosy, he started to investigate the piles of books (mostly science fiction novels and some that sounded very boring) in the bookcase and the little models from various sci-fi movies he’d lined up on top. He smirked but he couldn’t scoff, he had his own collection back in his room. He was just as much of a geek.

He was so focused on exploring that he didn’t notice the shower had been turned off. It was only when the door opened that he quickly put the figure he was looking at down and looked over.

Gordon, thankfully wrapped in a towel, stepped out of the shower with steamed up glasses. He irritably wiped the lenses with a finger, noticing Barney. His face was a picture.

“Hi.” Barney waved, grinning.

Gordon yelped and quickly hid behind the door.

“BARNEY?! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING IN MY ROOM?!”

“Well, I did knock but you didn’t hear me.”

“SO YOU JUST LET YOURSELF IN?!”

“Uh, kinda? You know, there’s a clause in my contract that says –“

“I KNOW WHAT IT SAYS!”

“Oh, you do? Huh, maybe I told you before.”

“GET OUT!”

“Alright, alright – I’m sorry. Don’t get your test tubes all in a twist.”

Gordon peered out from the door, giving him a glare. He was furious but Barney knew he’d get over it. Eventually. He stormed back into the bathroom to get changed.

“ _What_ do you want?”

Barney took that as an invitation to stay and began to explore the room again as he spoke, picking up random books.

“Well, I’ve hardly seen you around lately. I wondered if there was something wrong.”

“No, everything is fine. I’ve just been busy, that’s all.”

He doubted that. Gordon was anti-social at the best of times but this wasn’t his usual behaviour. He sighed, placing the book down and moved to the dressing table; picking up the frame with a copy of his diploma inside to observe it.

“You sure? Eli said you were in a pretty bad mood. Was all worried and all that.”

That was a lie, but there was more than one way to get over the many hurdles of Freeman. Barney knew that Gordon looked up to both Vance and Kleiner like they were his adoptive parents. They sure argued like a married couple sometimes.

“He was...?” Gordon’s voice softened slightly.

Barney grinned, putting the frame down.

“Yep. So what’s eating at you, amigo?”

“Just some... Difficulties.”

“Oh?”

He paused, glancing to the table again and saw a folded letter. With little respect for privacy – as shown by already being there – he picked it up and opened it, eyes glancing over the words. It certainly looked formal; it even had the company letterhead.

_“...I am writing to confirm that I, Gordon Freeman Ph.D, formally give in my notice to terminate my contract, effective immediately...”_

Barney blinked, reading the same part over and over to make sure he wasn’t mistaken. His stomach knotted when he realised he wasn’t.

_Holy shit._

Gordon might have answered him, or he didn’t. He was still reeling in the shock of what he’d just seen... Which didn’t do him any favours when the scientist reappeared from the bathroom once more, dressed in a simple t-shirt and sweatpants.

“Calhoun!”

Barney flinched, turning around. He made the effort to try and hide the letter behind his back, but it was too late. Gordon, looking angrier than before if that were at all possible, was about to yell at him, but his expression instantly shifted to horror as he noticed the letter in his hand. He reached over and snatched it, before moving away to the middle of the room – refusing to look at him.

“... You weren’t meant to see that.”

“Gordon –“

“Get out.”

“Buddy, look –“

“Don’t. Just... Don’t. Leave, please.”

Sighing, Barney rubbed the back of his neck and suddenly felt guilty. He had good intentions but he hadn’t realised just how bad things really were. He glanced to the door, then to Gordon, not really wanting to leave him. Not now.

“... Were you going to tell me?” He asked, instead.

Gordon didn’t appear to have prepared for such a question, about to speak but pausing. Barney slowly walked over and sat on the end of the bed, watching him. For all of his horseplay he truly did care about his friend and the idea of being left in the dark about him suddenly being removed from his life was like a punch to the gut.

“I know you’re angry with me right now, Gordon, but I genuinely did want to check on you.”

“Was that before or after you decided to look at things that are none of your business?” Gordon snapped. Boy, he sure had a temper for a bookworm.

“Both.”

Barney crossed one leg over the other, leaning his palms on the bed. With no response from the scientist he sighed gently.

“What happened, Gordon? Tell me.”

“Nothing.”

“Bullshit. You don’t write a resignation letter over nothing. Was it Banner again?”

Gordon remained frosty and he supposed he couldn’t blame him. He pinched the bridge of his nose.

_Alright. Time for Plan B._

He stood up from the bed, sweeping some hair back.

“Alright, fine. I get it. You want to move on – things aren’t working out or not what you expected in this crazy bunker funhouse – but I figured that you’d at least have the decency to tell me first. I’m your friend, or at least I thought I was.”

“Don’t lecture _me_ about decency! You came into my room, uninvited, touched my stuff—“

“Yeah, I did – I didn’t do it to be an asshole; I did it because I was worried about you!”

Gordon turned and blinked at him, caught a little off guard even if his frown remained. It was progress.

“But now I know it wasn’t worth it. I don’t know where you came from before, Gordon, that makes you think it’s easy to cut people out of your life in the blink of an eye, but here you have people who give a shit. Kleiner, Vance, me and there’s others, too. Hell, the old man never shuts up about you! Are you going to give all of that up?”

“It’s – it’s not about that!”

“Then what is it about, huh? I’m all ears!”

Sometimes all that was needed was a little push, or in this case a shove. He wasn’t some genius scientist, but he could read people. Gordon had been his greatest challenge, never dealing with someone so introverted before, but he’d learned a few things in the time he had known him. Hitting the right buttons was part of the process.

“I can’t...” Gordon looked away, muttering something.

“Can’t what? Speak up, Freeman!”

“I can’t do this!” He cried, tossing the letter into the air.

“Do you have any idea how hard it is, to try and prove yourself to people who refuse to treat you as more than an intern?! Time and time and time again I have to fight to be seen as an equal. Most of them don’t even call me ‘Doctor’, they see me as a Postdoc and that’s it! None of them see me as a scientist; they just see someone young and inexperienced, but they won’t even let me try! Every task, every menial request, I do in the hope that it’ll make things better! Nothing improves!”

Barney fell silent, watching and listening. He didn’t need to do anything else.

“Dr. Kleiner and Dr. Vance are people I respect dearly and they see me for who I am. I wouldn’t be where I am if it wasn’t for Isaac; he changed my life, but I just can’t... Deal with this anymore. I feel like an outsider, that I don’t belong. Maybe they’re right – maybe I’m not ready for this.”

Gordon moved to sit on the bed, tugging off his glasses and putting them aside so to rest his face in his palms. Barney moved to sit next to him, staying quiet.

“I thought if I kept it quiet, it’d be easier.”

Barney took a deep breath and exhaled, glancing to the floor. Tricky. He wasn’t the best one to ask about the lab coats, considering his own grievances. He just tried to focus on the nice ones and force a smile to the rest. There was that really smiley office girl, for example.

“Running away from your problems ain’t gonna get you anywhere, buddy. You worked hard for this, to be here. Why should a bunch of stuck up, periodic table humping nerds – no offense – put a stop to your life? Who cares what they say, you know what you achieved, as do those that matter. Sure, Banner is kind of your superior but he’s just a Grade A son of a bitch to everyone anyway, even those who are meant to protect his ass.”

Gordon didn’t say anything, but Barney knew he was listening. He patted the scientist’s shoulder firmly, trying to give him encouragement.

“You can’t just give up when shit hits the fan. You have to keep fighting, no matter how hard it gets. Hell, I wouldn’t be where I am now if I gave up after college. I didn’t go to a fancy place like you and I might not have majored in anything, but I knew I wanted to protect people. I wanted to be a cop.”

Gordon’s hands shifted a bit and he glanced up at Barney.

“A cop...?”

“Yeah. I went to an academy and everything. Shit didn’t work out, let’s put it that way, but when I was there I heard about Black Mesa and the security force. They were hiring and I thought; ‘Some cool job in the middle of a desert? Sure.’ Pays decent bucks, rounding up lab coats ain’t exactly tough and there are lots of opportunities. If I gave up, I wouldn’t be here... Probably be doing some boring job in an office.”

“... I couldn’t imagine you in an office job.”

“Nope, me neither.” Barney grinned at Gordon boyishly.

“Anyway, you gotta pick yourself up and be the sheep that faces the lions. Don’t let them scare you off. You sticking around and doing what you do best will piss them off until they have no choice but to accept you. Banner will give up eventually and if he doesn’t well...”

He paused, rubbing at his stubble. Gordon tilted his head, slipping on his glasses.

“We could arrange an accident, maybe.”

“Barney, we’re not murdering Dr. Banner.”

“Awh man, you’re never any fun.”

Gordon chuckled quietly and Barney chuckled along with him jokingly. That was better – he had a nice laugh and it was always good to hear it. He struggled to put himself in Gordon’s shoes entirely, but not being respected for what you worked for was something he did understand. He felt sorry for him as he was a genuinely decent guy and those were rare types. Most just didn’t have the patience to tackle his barriers.

For Barney, it was an achievement he was proud of.

The two looked to the letter upon the carpet and the silent question resonated between them in an exchange of glances.

Gordon stood and walked over to the letter, picking it up. After looking at it for a long moment, he tore it up and dumped it into the waste bin. Barney inwardly sighed in relief.

“Better?” He asked.

“Yeah...”

“Good. Now, then...” He stood up.

“I think it’s time for a beer or ten, what do you say?”

“It’s kind of late, though, isn’t it?”

“Nah, I only gotta travel across two sectors. The train runs all night, you know.”

Looking a little unsure, perhaps concerned, Gordon shrugged a bit.

“You could stay here if you want, on the couch. Then you could head back in the morning.”

“Are you worried about little ol’ me traversing the scary rail of Black Mesa on my own in the dark, Gordon? Scared I’ll never come back?” Barney wriggled his fingers, making ghostly noises.

Gordon pouted. Barney had teased him with horror stories of people going missing throughout the mesa, along with other supernatural occurrences. The tale of the phantom rail car was the best one yet. He made the newbie paranoid for days.

“Ha ha, very funny.”

“But alright. If it’ll put your mind at ease that I _don’t_ get eaten by some monster, I guess I could crash here. You don’t snore do you?”

“Um... No? I don’t think so?”

“Good, because the last roomie I had I almost smothered with a pillow. Let’s go.”

The pair left the room and headed to the bar. For once it was just them, in a quieter environment than what they would normally be faced with at a late hour. Barney figured Gordon needed it with all of his stress and he wasn’t about to deny him the chance to wind down, quite the opposite in fact. Maybe he got him to drink a bit _too_ much.

Later they returned, Barney needing to haul Gordon into the room since he was a little unsteady. He didn’t mind – it wasn’t the first time and it wouldn’t be the last. The guy couldn’t handle as much as he could.

“And here we are – home sweet home.”

Barney lowered Gordon onto the bed gently, rubbing at his face. He was a little drunk but not completely without his wits. Gordon was a little worse for wear, still snickering at a joke that he may or may not have told on the way back.

Smirking, Barney tugged off Gordon’s shoes and put them aside carefully, before picking up his legs so to ease him into a laying down position.

“Thanks...”

“No problem, buddy. You should get some shut eye.”

Barney sat on the end of the bed, tugging off his boots with some effort and putting them aside, before loosening his tie.

“No I mean... Thanks for before...”

Perking up, Barney glanced over his shoulder with a smile. Gordon didn’t raise his head, watching the ceiling with half-open eyes.

“It’s alright. I wanted to help you... I’m just glad I could convince you to stay.”

“Would you... Miss me, if I was gone?”

Taken back by the question, Barney paused. That kind of came out of left field, but he figured it was the alcohol talking. He rolled along with it, but his words were honest.

“Yeah... Yeah, I would. Tell you the truth, you and Kleiner are the only people I want to stick around the sector for. I owe a lot to the old man. There’s Eli too, but, we don’t always see eye to eye. He’s protective of you, which I kinda get.”

“I’d miss you, too...”

Barney couldn’t help but smile warmly. Not many would say that about him. At one point he expected Gordon to be like everyone else and when Dr. Kleiner said he wanted to introduce them to each other he was dreading it. An MIT college boy? Some rich kid with an ego? He had all sorts of horrible thoughts.

But Gordon was different. He was quiet but smart, awkward but with a good sense of humour. When he cracked a joke out of nervousness and he heard him laugh for the first time instead of rolling his eyes, he knew there was something there, so he kept at it. They both had a competitive streak and once he’d figured that out, there was no going back.

Barney stood and walked around to Gordon who had his eyes closed. He moved to take his glasses off so he didn’t accidentally break them in his sleep, but stopped as Gordon’s eyes opened and looked up at him.

“Oh, I thought you’d drifted off already.”

There was a short pause before Gordon leant up a bit and tugged at Barney’s tie, pulling him down to meet his face. Barney blinked, not expecting that, his slight tipsiness almost toppling him over and he grabbed Gordon’s shoulders.

The two watched one another for a moment in close proximity and Barney felt his cheeks burn more than what the alcohol might have done. Gordon’s gaze was unfocused but there was definitely something there under his heavy lids.

“Uh, Gordon? Mind letting go?” He asked quietly, clearing his throat.

Gordon got a bit too close and Barney gently pushed him back.

“Ohhh no. No. Nope. You’re drunk.”

Whether Gordon’s balance waned or he meant for it to happen he wasn’t sure, but he fell back on the bed and tugged him along for the ride. He gasped, falling on top of him in a heap, his hands still on his shoulders.

Now with their faces near, breaths exchanged between lips, the rather drunk Gordon leant forward and kissed at Barney’s neck gently and he tried to, rather politely, pull away.

“Look, you’ve had a lot to drink and you’re not thinking straight...”

The assault of kisses didn’t stop, but he wasn’t exactly forcing himself on him. Barney could easily get away but he didn’t. Something was keeping him there. Gordon kissed at his mouth then, as Barney tried to convince him further.

“This is going to get – Awkward and – you’ll hate me aft—... Maybe regret – mh... Are you even listen—“

In that moment, Barney leant into it, returning the affection as he gave into lust.

_Ah, shit..._

He really didn’t want to take advantage of him like this, but the inviting touches were difficult to resist. As much as he kept telling himself to stop and move away like a sensible friend, desire pulled him back in.

Gordon tugged the already loosened tie free and tossed it aside, beginning to unfasten his shirt. Leaning on one hand and still kissing him deeply, Barney tugged off his belt and loosened his pants, feeling his skin getting hotter and hotter.

_This is such a bad idea..._

It felt so right for something that was so wrong.

Leaving his shirt open, Gordon raised a hand and smoothed it over the back of Barney’s neck whilst the others fingers got tangled in his hair. His touch, just like his personality, was gentle and reserved even in his intoxicated state. Barney doubted there was any bad bone in his body, even with that scorching temper deep under the surface.

Carefully, Barney pulled Gordon’s glasses off and moved them aside, before slipping the t-shirt over his head. Now it was his turn to go on the offensive, giving small, deliberately short pecks along his neck and hearing the soft gasps of enjoyment in his ear. Now he’d found a rhythm he didn’t want to stop.

It wasn’t as though Gordon intended on stopping either.

He propped himself up with one hand, the other smoothing over Gordon’s jaw and caressing his cheek with his thumb as he continued his soft, enticing kisses. He gasped himself as he felt fingers run down his chest, trailing electric enjoyment wherever they went. Wanting to return the favour, he smoothed his hand over his neck and down over his chest, creating a shudder of pleasure that he couldn’t help but grin at.

Every kiss and every touch of skin spurred him on in his chase for fulfilment.

Barney shrugged the shirt off and threw it away, gently prying Gordon’s hand off his neck to interlace their fingers and press both their hands in the bed above his head. His other hand eased off his pants, kicking them off so they landed anywhere – he didn’t care – before tugging off Gordon’s with his assistance. In the midst of their tenderness, eyes closed and not requiring sight when instinct led them, underwear followed.

Now with nothing between them, the electricity was palpable. A sharp gasp came from both of them as skin touched skin, heat shared against the coolness of the covers thanks to the air conditioning. Hands traced the contours of their partner’s physique, exploring and mapping. Soft moans broke through the heavy breathing.

Sweat beaded on Barney’s brow and his enjoyment was once again interrupted by his conscience.

_Should probably stop before it’s too late..._

He paused, glancing to Gordon’s face. As if sensing something was wrong, even marginally, Gordon looked back to him, questioningly.

“Is this... Really something you wanna do...?”

It was probably a dumb thing to ask someone who was both intoxicated and aroused, but he did it anyway. If only so he didn’t have to feel like a selfish bastard in the morning.

Gordon leant up and kissed him with much more firmness, so deep that it made him moan. That was his affirmation and it sent him spiralling into greedy want. Throwing his nagging thoughts aside finally, he continued unhindered; a hand trailing downwards and teasing. A sharp gasp rolled into a moan and it only made him want to keep doing it. So he did.

Barney felt Gordon’s free arm hug him as he panted heavily from the touch, twinges rattling through his body.

“Ah... Hah... Ah...”

Further increasing his satisfaction with kisses and light nips, Gordon writhed underneath him, his toes sliding over the covers. All of this action was making him feel good, too and he especially got a tremble of delight when a flutter of excited breath passed his ear. Nails dug into the flesh of his back and he let out a moan of both pleasure and pain. The lines blurred a bit.

He was overwhelmed by his urges.

Before he knew it, he was pushing. Muscles quivered around him and the pair moaned in unison at both the resistance and the joy it wrought. His teasing continued, pulling Gordon into a delirium of ecstasy that both fuelled his needs and made him more susceptible to his efforts. Their bodies were on fire, sweat touching sweat and hair damp.

Gordon gripped the covers as he let himself go, on a different planet at this point. Moans and groans, louder now, filled the room and if anyone heard – hell, Barney didn’t give a shit.

Faster and faster, firmer and firmer, the routine continued. He caught him by surprise a few times, slowing until he stopped, only to just start all over again. It was almost like a dance; you lead, you step, you mirror, but then you do something outstanding that wows and gets remembered. His only audience just happened to be the best friend between his legs.

He wasn’t exactly complaining.

The heat began to get unbearable and the friction between them was greater still. Gordon’s cheeks were flushed from what he could see and his face was feverish. They both gasped and moaned in unison, hands tightly grasping as the climax loomed.

“A-ah! Ah!”

“Hah... Ahh...”

In a final flourish, he pushed deep enough to make them both quiver in both pain and enjoyment. A surge of gratification brought with it the wave of pure and utter bliss. Cries of rapture escaped them, mixing with breathless gasps.

Their bodies trembled with fatigue and satisfaction. Barney carefully removed himself to collapse next to Gordon in a heap, before pulling the covers over them both. He was exhausted and Gordon was almost knocked flat by the peak of the moment.

Wrapped in their cocoon of cool sheets, the two fell asleep.

Sometime in the early morning, Barney’s eyes fluttered open. What time was it?

He squinted at the clock on the dresser. It was past nine.

“Ah, shit...”

He’d missed his shift. Oh boy was he in for it when he eventually turned up.

Sighing heavily, he recalled where he was and turned to see Gordon still soundly asleep next to him. He was right, he didn’t snore.

Watching him for a few moments, he smirked and shuffled up next to him – wrapping his arms around him gently. Gordon responded by taking his hand, in the midst of his dreaming. Yawning tiredly, he started to drift off again.

“No regrets...”


End file.
